That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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