I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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