Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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