Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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