there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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