Someone shit on the floor
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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