put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
