I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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