All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
