just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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