Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
