I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
