My first STD was from a foam party
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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