My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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