My cat gives me a boner
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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