chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
that may or may not have been my penis.
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