I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I bet he comes in French.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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