Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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