Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
