Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
