So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me