My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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