hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
