some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
