i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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