I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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