you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
do nipples grow back?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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