Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
