I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
