I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
