I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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