talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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