she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
