mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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