ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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