I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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