at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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