So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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