That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
