Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...