I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."