Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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