Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
