This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
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we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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