I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
