that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
