Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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