i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
