I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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