you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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