going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
