it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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