My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
