just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
