Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
