Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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