I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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