I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
